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Trialling

by Marc Newby

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1.
Trialling 02:02
i'd never thought of missing ageing until now. i'd always pictured leaving holes around. afraid of who would find me halfway there. unable to complete it - a failure we'd share.
2.
Old Hand 03:17
my poor body used to be able to handle feelings, lay them on the table. for all to see. but now they're killing me. my perspective used to align with the urges that i carried inside, and strived to meet. but could never reach. "so how is your head?" well, the interminable dread that i hung round my neck has sought me out again. it's shifting in size, it's shifting my insides, it's bigger than i. my poor body tries to be stable and fix the problems that i don't have a name for, and i can't see. but that keep on beating me. why can't i see through these cravings? when will the images stop?
3.
Closing 01:22
and now at thirty-four i spend my evenings with a giant cat who sleeps on my bed. he's bigger than the one i shared before, but the one before is void because he is dead. and there's far too many rooms for me to sit in and do nothing beneficial that makes the slightest bit of difference to the world but for the animal who's taken his place. can passed friends be born again? can i keep guilt whilst loving him?
4.
if head and road and paint collide, the body won't fit in whatever they find. and then when you die, will anyone mind? buried in a box with the bow untied. if two cars speed then one must slow, parked on soil where nothing can grow. a lump in their throat, a time to let go. unfed mouths and wasted show. can i be allowed to see when they will sit and speak to me? i'll provide peace, encourage grief, and let them know that they can leave me. if all our paths lead to the same end, why would you think that i'd walk it again? an impossible scent, abandoning sense, thinking there are faces wherever you went. do you need a pulse to see that i was here and you knew me? you'll divide feet and unlock screens, to apportion blame but it's mine to keep.
5.
The Safety 01:10
the uncontrollable urge to cut never really goes away. i keep logging evidence for why i have to stay. i miss not caring about myself, i miss embracing pain. i just keep logging evidence for why i have to stay. it's nice to keep the wondering around. it's nice to keep wandering around.
6.
i have got this overwhelming urge to eat myself, because if i eat myself then everybody feeds. and i have got this overwhelming urge to hurt myself, but if i hurt myself then you won't ever leave.
7.
Within Rooms 01:48
i have found a new level of sick i haven't felt before, the thought of throwing up your features, knowing what your hands are for. those two wide hands they're seared into my skull, they pull a death around. just when i thought that i was stronger, i'm still younger, falling down. c'mon something's got to change here. c'mon something's got to change. i have found a new level to sleep i haven't held since i was small enough to make it stop, until the morning broke me off.
8.
Dead Weight 02:58
who mourns the body when the body's all worn? i think that i am moving on. are you remembered as a life for long? i think i will be when i'm gone. poor speech - two front teeth. diseased, with nothing underneath. oh how i wish that i had said, "that i can't conquer anything laying in bed". i bet it's worse in your head. leaning on your back again, wishing you were dead. who's first to notice when the heart gets full? i know that change can hurt us all. are you remembered for the shit you pull? i know that i lack chemicals. too clean - a lasered scene. diseased, with nothing underneath. i need to merge my body into the line. i must merge my body into the line.
9.
Caller Enemy 01:39
caller enemy. re-friend, regret, subconscious pet. i'm seldom left with what's my best. self-conscious arm that missed the arm, we rarely are what we sleep on. my caller enemy. approach anew not missing you, a phone's sinew, a tone for two.
10.
Appraising 02:13
a friendly threat has entered my bed and i can't push it away. a friendly death has entered my bed, (this death and i are side by side) and i won't let it go to waste.

about

A story of a very strange few months, written in a month. Recorded at home, on a phone.

credits

released March 11, 2023

Written and performed by Marc Newby. Recorded, mixed and produced by Marc Newby. Mastered by Reynolds Mastering. Artwork by Gavin Green.

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Marc Newby Ipswich, UK

I also do this: biggreysky.bandcamp.com and I used to do this: warwaves.bandcamp.com

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